helpless

Last night we went out prayer carding. Just walked around asking people if they wanted/needed prayer for anything. We had a brief conversation with a couple who were spending the night on the street because they didn't have any where else to go. We prayed with them and then continued on our way. Somehow offering them a cup of tea or something to eat seemed so small, so inefective. In the face of such an important and basic need what I had to offer seemed silly. I walked away shaken, and it's not the first time.

On my 12th birthday I was going shopping with my mom. We drove past a panhandler on a street corner and I asked if I could use my birthday money to get him some food. While she commended the thought she said no because he would probably be gone by the time we would be back. I knew that it was really important for her for me to use her gift for myself and so I accepted her decision. But I felt so frustrated and helpless.

And that feeling has just been confirmed over and over again. When I see people out on the street I never have cash to give them but I usually run to the nearest drive through and pick them up something to eat. The last couple times they have indeed been gone by the time I got back. And I'm left, once again, frustrated and helpless.

Living in a world so overwhelmingly full of hurt and need is hard enough. But when I seem to repeatedly fail at even the tiny things in front of me it's really hard to keep trying. To not just throw my hands up and surrender to the inevitablity of it all.

What I need to hear is that it isn't inevitable. That small, even tiny gestures make a difference. That the tears I'm crying now have an impact in some way. Because right now I don't know what else to do.