This was a rough day. I'm inexplicably tired. Work was frustrating. And I wasted 2.5 hours watching tv.
I've been waiting for several months to hear whether or not I've been accepted for a training program that would finally get me started on my life dream. I had an email yesterday, but it was only to say that they've updated the website and that they would be in touch in some undefined time frame. Even though the program starts in September apparently they haven't even started looking at applications yet. I had mine in in February. I've been trying so hard not to count on this. But this is it for me. This is the last door I know to knock on, every other one has been very firmly shut. So, try as hard as I can not to, I'm finding it impossible to not "put all my eggs in this basket."
I've told myself all the right things, over and over. The Lord will open the right door at the right time. If this isn't it, that just means the Lord has something better ahead. But after 3 shut doors and years of waiting they are all starting to sound a bit trite.
We had a guest speaker from Germany at church last week, Walter Heidenreich. He had a really "wow" message. He said that the Lord has everything, there is nothing he is missing, nothing we could give him that he doesn't already have. Heaven is full of saved people so evangelism is out, worship, and intercession are too. The only thing missing is faith. "They don't need faith in heaven because they see everything." The one thing we can give to God to please him is faith. And I seem so lacking in it right now..........
But the thing of it is, I like to think of this dream as mine. This grandiose vision for my life as belonging to me. But here's the reality; it's not. There is no way I could come up with all this stuff on my own. And not even a hope of a chance I could accomplish even one bit of it without Jesus. So I don't know why I get so upset by the challenges along the way. It is not my job to make sure this happens. My job is to trust. Trust and obey.
So, as Jesus gives me the strength to hold on to him, I will start again tomorrow.